“We Might Not Come for Him”: Why Healthcare Workers Don’t Judge Those Who Refuse to Care for Sick Family Members

I work as a nurse in a neurological rehabilitation unit in a hospital in New York City. Our job is to help patients recover from strokes, brain injuries, and other neurological conditions. Every day, we see people at their most vulnerable, struggling to regain control over their bodies and minds. It’s a tough job, but it’s also incredibly rewarding when we see our patients make progress.

One of the most challenging aspects of our work is discharge day. Every patient must be picked up by someone upon discharge because they are often still weak and forgetful. They need someone to help them transition back to their home environment and continue their recovery. Unfortunately, not every patient has someone willing to take on that responsibility.

A few weeks ago, we had a patient named John. John was in his late 40s and had suffered a severe stroke. He was a bit of a character, with tattoos covering his arms and disheveled hair that made him look like a rock star who had seen better days. Despite his rough exterior, John was a kind and gentle soul who quickly became a favorite among the staff.

As John’s discharge day approached, we began making arrangements for his pickup. John had mentioned that he had a brother named Mike who lived nearby. I called Mike to inform him of John’s discharge and to arrange for him to pick up his brother.

“Hi Mike, this is Nurse Emily from the neurological rehabilitation unit. I’m calling about your brother John. He’s ready to be discharged tomorrow, and we need someone to pick him up,” I said.

There was a long pause on the other end of the line before Mike finally responded. “I’m sorry, but I can’t come get him,” he said flatly.

I was taken aback by his response. “Is there someone else who can pick him up? A friend or another family member?” I asked.

“No, there’s no one else,” Mike replied. “I just can’t do it.”

I could hear the frustration and sadness in his voice, but I didn’t press him for more details. I thanked him for his time and hung up the phone.

I went to John’s room to break the news to him. “John, I just spoke with your brother Mike. He said he can’t come pick you up tomorrow,” I said gently.

John’s face fell, and he looked down at his hands. “I figured as much,” he said quietly. “Mike and I haven’t been close for years. I guess I was hoping things would be different now.”

It was heartbreaking to see John’s disappointment, but it wasn’t an uncommon situation. Many of our patients have strained relationships with their families or no family at all. It’s one of the harsh realities of our work.

We made arrangements for John to be transferred to a local nursing home until he could find a more permanent solution. It wasn’t ideal, but it was the best we could do under the circumstances.

As healthcare workers, we don’t judge those who refuse to care for their sick family members. We understand that everyone has their own reasons and struggles. Sometimes, people simply don’t have the emotional or physical capacity to take on such a demanding role. It’s not our place to judge; our job is to provide the best care possible for our patients and support them in any way we can.

John’s story is just one of many that we encounter in our work. It’s a reminder that not everyone has a support system to rely on, and sometimes, people are left to navigate their recovery on their own. It’s a sobering reality, but it’s one that we face every day in our unit.